Fine

"You should really go get checked out," my friend told me, as we compared notes. Like her, I was fatigued all the time, cold all the time and bruised ridiculously easily. I was losing hair by the handfuls and constantly felt like I was getting a sore throat. Despite the fact that I was a yoga teacher, my body ached and I'd get the kind of headaches that forced me to take to bed. I'd lost two desperately wanted pregnancies this year.

She was right. Not only did the test for Celiac Disease come back positive, so did the one for Hashimoto Disease, as well as one for a blood clotting disorder called thrombophilia. I was an autoimmune mess. I didn't know how to feel. In the six long years I'd been going to fertility doctors, no one had caught it. I'd asked for an autoimmune work up, and been told I didn't need it. I'd insisted, received an incomplete panel of tests, and been told I was fine. Nobody had bothered to ask how I felt on an everyday basis. They told me I was fine but I wasn't. I wasn't fine. I was sick all that time.

Now, after all that, my friend had diagnosed me. My friend, who had to get so much sicker before she got better, because they told her she was fine when she wasn't. My friend, who, because she recognized my symptoms, saved me from having to get sicker than I already was.

I don't mean to sound melodramatic here, or anything. I'm not dying. Well, no more than anyone else is, anyway. I'd be remiss if I didn't say clearly that, as far as diseases go, the ones I've got aren't half bad. They're entirely treatable.

Which, in a sense, was sort of the problem. The night I came home from the doctor, diagnosis in hand, finally, I curled up on the couch and wept tears of rage. I felt utterly betrayed. I've never been the kind of yogi who's felt at odds with western medicine. Whether we're talking gurus or doctors, I'm a big fan of credentials. I'd trusted those doctors to help me. I counted on them to know more than I did. I was absolutely incensed that none of the specialists I'd seen had been able to connect the dots and see the big picture. That night, I wept for all the years I'd lived with the ramifications of diseases that were so treatable.

I started to tell a few trusted people. Most of them, bless their hearts, insistently pointed out how positive it was to have a diagnosis. One person replied, "that's great." And it was great. I was on the road to getting well. I'm all about a yoga that teaches empowerment over victimization, making lemonade from our lemons and seizing hold of the bright spot that lies concealed in even in the darkest of circumstances. One of the names this yoga goes by is Sri Vidya, or the Teaching of Auspiciousness. So then why, when I found myself explaining, "well, I found out I've got this disease but it's ultimately going to be a good thing," did I feel so fucking pissed off?

We humans are complex beings, not simple ones. It was one hundred percent true that I felt grateful, relieved and happy to finally have the information that would make all the difference to my health. It's just that it didn't make me feel any less furious, or sorry for myself. I had to go there first. I had to feel it. My teacher calls that radical affirmation. You gotta feel what you feel.

Last week, I saw my yoga peeps at our annual August retreat. When J. asked how I was, I told her. Later that day, she pulled me aside in the kitchen. I can't remember her exact words but she said she'd been thinking about my story and how heavily it sat with her, and how I must be so angry. I stood there, wanting to speak, wanting to find the words to thank her. I couldn't find the words to tell her that she'd gotten it exactly right. She got it. She got me. The relief was palpable. If someone else got it, then maybe I wasn't such a freak after all.

After that, I didn't feel quite so angry.

The next day, I told another friend. When he said, "how annoying," I smiled.

Turns out, I needed somebody to say, "you know, that really sucks. I'm sorry you had to go through that." Only then could I turn to all the teachings of empowerment that I've taken to heart over the years, and really mean them.

If you're out there, going through something difficult, then please allow me to say, I'm sorry. It really sucks. It's okay to go there. In fact, sometimes there's just no way around it. It's where you go from there that makes all the difference.

These days, I count my blessings, and when someone asks me how I am, I tell them that I'm doing just fine.

And I really mean it.

Comments

[Elsie]

Hello mighty one,
Dude, totally sucky, beyond words sucky....blah! I feel your frustration and am truly thankful that you shared the story. I cannot tell you how powerful a story shared is with all of us that happen to resonate and learn from each other. It is in this sharing that we feel the strength to step into it all so much more fully.

This whole Radical Affirmation business, totally hard. I am in awe of how truly magical the process of that affirmation is, it's not quick, it's not easy and my gosh does it take you to those crazy fuzzy boundaries! Been there, done that, once you're out it's amazing, but when it comes again, even with the lessons learned, we (I) soooo wanna avoid it again :( Hard stuff, who wants to do that?

Again, I thank you *deep bow*. Sending you a magical wave of support, just the right kind, when you need it :) xoxoxoxo

[ginevra (typepad community manager)]

I'm so sorry for the suck part (as one of my wise girlies told me this summer "it doesn't just suck, it FUCKING sucks" but send you big support too. I'm glad you're on a path to recovery.

[CLS]

I know EXACTLY how you feel, the anger, the frustration, the resentment, betrayal, the eventual calm and numbness... I spent 7 years battling chronic, debilitating pelvic pain. I lost jobs, quit jobs, stopped driving, the whole 9 yards. It took one friend with a background in Physical Therapy to diagnose me and sure enough the short answer was "you're crooked". After that it was all downhill, building alignment, muscles strength and then taking regular yoga classes when I couldn't pay for therapy any more to keep the alignment. Pain free? Most of the time. Skeptical of Western Medicine? Yes, now I am.

I wish you all the luck.

[Hillary Rubin]

hey love.. I have been there well in my own way.. I have a great letter DB sent me on my path.. the first step is to be pissed and then more unfolds.. I been out here for a bit - hence creating a business - iamnotamess.com... yes we have lots to talk about my idea of auto-immune dis-ease and know that there are about 8 million women living with an autoimmune disease in North America - another reminder you are not alone.. its a process and again knowing what it is, the diagnosis is a start and then its up to you to decide how you want to participate.. yes be pissed and then you begin to use the yoga in the way you have been gifted the rich teachings..

sorry to just find out now and that you had to be in a place of fear but you are not the diagnosis..

love to hear from you..

xx

[emma]

i am so happy for you that you know. and sorry that it took so long. and moved by the story of your feelings about it.

i know you've struggled hard with your health. this is such a story about really doing the yoga.

much love. xoem

[victoria]

Sorry/not sorry...sorry for what you endured/glad you got some resolution. I recently totally disobeyed my doctor when she wanted me to go for (yet another!)test and wouldn't place a simple phone call to get some clarity on a report. I placed the call myself. Guess what? I was right and there was nothing wrong with me--just something wrong with the report!!! I'm glad I did what I felt I had to do. P.S. I changed doctors, too. Be well.

[jodi]

I was touched by your story, which I read in FitYoga. I have a very similar tale of autoimmune dysfuntion. After years of trying all sorts of treatments (both within and outside the realm of traditional medicine) one product produced amazing results. Lots of things helped a bit, but this change was almost miraculous - eliminating nearly all my symptoms and reversing my labs. It's a supplement that stimulates intracellular glutathione. Glutathione is your body's master antioxidant. I was so impressed with my results and the science behind the product, that I now sell it. You can visit my website for more information(www.foryourmax.com). If you're interested, please send me a note and I would be happy to send you a sample and/or more information. Thank you for sharing your story.