Such a Lonely Word

I like to think of myself as an honest person.

Truthful; forthright; candid.  Good words, even words I've received in emails generated by this blog. 

Yoga has its own set of ten commandments and honesty ranks right up there near the top.  It's the second one.  It's that important. 

Must we really be told to be honest?  Being told what to do is sort of a hot button issue for me. I like telling people what to do just a little too much.  I do it for a living:  "Trikonasana.  Step your right foot forward.   Breathe.  Feel the sensation of your feet on your mat, and upon the earth's surface.  Draw strength from your feet up your legs into the core of your pelvis, to cultivate the strength to stand upon your own two feet, etc."

Telling people what to do is fine.  Being told what to do, however--not so much.  I don't cotton to it--pretty much ever.  My typical responses when I suspect someone is trying to control me are, in this order:

1. Hackles up.
2. Howling rage.
3. Rip off head.
4. Eat it. 
5. Rolaid.

(Unless you happen to be my spiritual teacher, in which case, please, please--I am begging--can you, in your supreme wisdom, just tell me what to do?  Pretty please with stevia on top?)

Anyway.

When I practice asana, I don't take my thighs back in alignment because someone tells me to, or because it's the virtuous thing to do.  I do it because it feels good.  It's sensuous.  I get to have the deep recognition, "Yes Ma'am, that has just got to be good for me."

Telling the truth works the same way.  Mostly I'm pretty honest, like I said, but there's a particular part of my life in which I have told some fairly serious lies.  Whoppers that started out as self-deceptions and then grew bigger than just me. 

Being untrue to myself doesn't feel good.  Unwinding the little deceptions, and the big ones, of my own device is terrifying.  I mean, it is really, really scary.  I am just so frigging smoothly persuasive that I can convince myself that my own lies are true. That is not a good thing.  

I can convince myself to maintain the status quo but then I have to live in it.  There's a price for that and it is high. Too high. 

I am so ridiculously fortunate to have had the good luck to literally stumble into the arms of The Handel Group.  They are teaching me how to better recognize, and own, what's true for me. Just last month I whined to my incredible coach, Juliana, who was prodding me on a specific assignment that she'd given me:

"I'm trying."

"I don't believe you," she kindly challenged. 

I was floored.  Not only do my students usually not retort that they don't believe me--although it did happen recently--they generally believe me so much that they take notes during class, writing down what I say in dedicated yoga notebooks. 

I had no idea how to respond to Juliana.  Then I tried to convince her I wasn't lying, so I could remain convinced, but she wouldn't budge. 

Wow. 

I have some work cut out for me but telling the truth feels a lot better than telling lies.  It's one thing to see honesty in a list of yamas and niyamas. It's a whole other thing to learn how to get really clear on what's true for me, and to insistently live from the authenticity of that truth, no matter what. 

It could take some time. 

The Handel Group has a Crash Course coming up, and I can not recommend highly enough that you check it out. 

Comments

[justin]

I'm going to tell Sarah to read this blog.

[Dorothy]

Hi Bernadette, I'm from Maine. And I have been practicing Anusara yoga for about 6 years. I took one class with you a couple of years ago when I was in your neighborhood. I was drawn to your love of the study and the space you created in your class. Now we are friends on FB and I am following your blog and feel as though you are speaking my thoughts and process sometimes. I just want to say; Thanks for listening, thanks for sharing, and thanks for being courageous enough to put yourself out here. You have something to say, and I'm listening and you make the process entertaining while getting to the meat of the matter. Not to tell you what to do or anything, but keep it up!
Sending Love to you!
Dorothy

[Laura Flora]

Bernie,

We are so drinking from the same well right now.

A couple of weeks ago on fb, Sally Kempton article about truth came up. Then a few days later an ele journal article came up about truth. Then I had 3 different bodytalk sessions done (have I mentioned BodyTalk to you for your physical stuff...you should check it, it's powerful) in which mistrust and even paranoia came up.

So taking the 5 messages as a SIGN to pay attention to this, that's exactly what I'm doing.
It's amazing how much I lie, obfuscate, withhold, etc. And catching myself doing it and then not has been potent.

I don't write a blog, but here's my mini-contemplation. When we find that we are not telling the truth in some way, it is because we do not trust: we do not trust life, we do not trust ourselves, we do not trust someone else, whatever. And because we don't trust, we try to take control of and manipulate the situation by being untruthful in some way. The remedy that I'm contemplating is to become so steady in our own beingness (sat) that we are supported from the inside out rather than needing to protect from the outside in, and then the truth (satya)can be told. This makes for a killer kidney loop, shoulder loop, backbendy class.

And a snippet from Rilke:

I want to unfold. Let no place within me hold itself closed, for where I am closed I am false.

Happy unfolding! And thank you so much for your killer insights!!
Laura

[Michael Alan Dorman]

Lying to myself is a favorite pasttime of mine. I'm often better about it if I have to express things to someone else.

I sometimes think about it in the context of Anava Mala--how we lose track of the fact that we are worthy of recognizing the truth.

Of course, other days, I see it as an expression of Karma Mala--I'm afraid that if I acknowledge what is I won't be able to act to resolve it.

Maya Mala, doesn't come up for me as much, at least not that I'm willing to admit.

Laura, fancy seeing you here!

[Lali]

Dear Bernie,
I do not get paid as a coach or guru, but how I hate to see you beat yourself up... let alone pay someone else to do it for you(join a church, at least its free, and they've been doing it a long time). I am just a fellow yogini. After reading your blog, I want to know when you are going to be honest enough? When will it be ok for you to say to yourself, 'ok, done!'? When is the world not deceptive? When is the world always in revealed honesty? The fact that out honest truth includes our own self-deception, our own blindspots, is a difficult concept, yes. I want to ask how is this coach being deceptive by telling you that you are not honest enough? The universe does deception all the time and doesn't beat itself up over it, or pay a coach to tell it it's not being honest enough with itself. Your true self includes the parts of you that are deceptive, and when you embrace that part of you, you just stop beating yourself up over it - no stevia or sugar need be added, you taste sweet enough already. Lots of love on your journey, Lali

[Jodi Knox]

LMFAO. :) Remember, "secret only to me" My comment on "Telling your mind to Shut the fuck up." As I sit in meditation I invite the truths they don"t match with my actions. It is daunting! Love you. Thank you.

[Randall]

I look up and take a breath. Wow, I mutter to myself.

[Randall]

I've still been thinking about this post and Lali's comment. I went back and read an old short story by Tobias Wolff called "The Liar." It's an amazing story that dovetails very sweetly with this topic. Well worth reading if you come across it. Thanks so much.

[Ice Shark]

Always a pleasure to read your blog(s) – but, I beg to differ [again, wink]:
What is TRUTH,1 Grasshopper? And what is authenticity? [genuine, reliable, trustworthy]
Clearly the truth sometimes will set you free; sometimes will get you killed – ask any dictator. Relatively speaking, if being true to yourself causes harm to others, what value is truth? Perhaps the better questions is “Who would you be without your story?” 2 Human psychology theory generally accepts that all humans lie – it’s only a matter of degree, and to whom. 3 Once, I complained to a sponsor about “…having had a spiritual awakening …to practice these principles in all our affairs” as being too difficult; his reply was “perhaps you should consider changing your affairs?” Today, that’s the better method for me – to behave in such a way that I can live an honest life.
_______________
1 http://www.visualthesaurus.com/landing/?ad=tdc.small&__utmx=-&__utmx=-&utm_medium=small&__utmv=-&__utmv=-&__utmz=1.1298855401.2.2.utmcsr%3Dask%7Cutmccn%3D%28organic%29%7Cutmcmd%3Dorganic%7Cutmctr%3Dpetite+puboire&__utmz=1.1298855401.2.2.utmcsr%3Dask%7Cutmccn%3D%28organic%29%7Cutmcmd%3Dorganic%7Cutmctr%3Dpetite+puboire&utm_source=tdc&utm_campaign=VT&rh=www.google.com&lang=en&__utmk=31742910&__utmk=31742910&__utma=1.2024909069.1286656084.1300989777.1301002488.11&__utma=1.2024909069.1286656084.1300989777.1301002488.11&word=truth&__utmc=1&__utmc=1&__utmb=1.4.9.1301002984039&__utmb=1.4.9.1301002984039
2 See, e.g., Byron Katie, The Work http://www.thework.com/index.php
3 In Human, All Too Human, philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche suggested that those who refrain from lying may do so only because of the difficulty involved in maintaining the lie. This is consistent with his general philosophy that divides (or ranks) people according to strength and ability; thus, some people tell the truth only out of weakness.

[Sarah]

I can totally relate to this. I hate being told what to do. If I come up with the exact same idea 5 minutes before someone tells me to do it, then it's fine. But if I don't think of it first, RESISTANCE!! Lately, I've discovered this even happens in regards to self help books/courses. I've encountered two authors recently that told me, if I didn't follow their instructions to the tee, then don't bother. So being that I don't like being told what to do, I did neither of these options. Instead I *gasp* lightly browsed the info and took away what was useful! Bad me for my flippant use of their omniscient work! (Especially when one suggested I bathe in the ashes of a burnt paper totem in order to get more money!lol)