Ishvara Pranidhana

I have a confession to make:

I have been harboring a secret grudge. 

The reasons behind my grudge aren't original.  It's an age old story:  blah blah blah best friend blah blah blah betrayal blah blah blah heartbreak blah blah blah fury. 

You can probably relate, right?  I know you can, because people are not loving and loyal all of the time.  Not even me.  Not even you. 

Also, do not think for even a moment that I am innocent in this story.  No matter how many times I indulge myself in a narrative in which I have been done wrong, it just ain't the whole truth.  The larger truth is that I picked this person--let's call her Daisy--to draw into my closest confidence.  I ignored all kinds of evidence that this might not be a great idea.  I continued to stay in the relationship--even when it became increasingly clear that my well being was not a priority.  I am the one who didn't pay attention to clear signals. 

The thing about my grudge is that it eats at me.  It gnaws at me sometimes before I go to sleep.  I have conversations with it when I'm in the car driving, alone.  I argue with it in the shower.  In an instant, it can fill me with a white hot fury, or revulsion. 

I recognize that no matter how much yoga I practice, I am not exempt from any part of the human condition.  Rage is every bit as much a part of the human experience as joy, or peacefulness. I have studied too long with my teacher to not understand that.    

But it's enough, now.

I have spent enough time affirming my rage.  It's time to let it go. 

I want to forgive.  Not because I'm such a big person but because antipathy is toxic.  Hostility is just a bad plan.  It's like chugging down poison in hopes your enemy will fall down dead.  (I believe Lauren Zander of The Handel Group™ deserves the credit for saying that.)   

It's easy to walk my talk when it's easy.  It's when it's hard that the rubber hits the road, and mettle is tested.  This is where I affirm my experience but refuse to sit in it. 

 

 

Hey, if there's anyone up there listening--can you please help me to let go of this?  I'm tired.  I don't want to carry it around any longer, and I'm having a hard time putting it down. 

I surrender, okay?

Thanks for your consideration on this matter.  

 

 

Comments

[Katie Stephens]

Stop reading my mind...it's freakin' me out!!! Love ya, as always!

[Scott Marmorstein]

That is why I forget things so much. I'm like a puppy that gets stuck on a chew toy until I hear a bell ring and then I totally forget what was...

[ur kali sister]

and on the flip side... here's how you know you are living with [in my case] a deeply rooted and equally toxic guilty conscience:

First thought that goes through my head, "could she possibly be talking about me? did i do something to hurt her?" Even though I know in my rational mind (at least I'm pretty confident) this has absolutely nothing to do with me. Scary. Think maybe, just maybe, there's some sh*t from my past that I need to let go of too?!?!

love you. and good luck letting go - let me know if you are successful - i'll be taking notes ;-)

[Emma Magenta]

Like ur kali sister, I'm thinking, "shit, was that me? Did I accidently sleep with her husband or steal her money or kill her mom and forget about it?"